A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor, laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, screamed “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady, without missing a beat, screamed “Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!”
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hippa. Hippa who? I’m sorry, I’can’t tell you that.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
The past, present and future walk into the restaurant. It was tense.
What dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog, buildings can’t jump!
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it’s dark?
A guy walked into the library and said, “I’ll take a burger, fries and a coke.”
The lady at the desk said, “Sir, this is a library.”
The man, apologetically and quickly, said, “Oh yeah.” Then he whispered, “I’ll take a burger, fries and a coke.”
THE DOCTOR VISIT_____________________________________
A man went to the doctor because of bad dreams. “One night, I dream I’m a tepee. The next night, I dream I’m a wigwam. And it just keeps going back and forth.” The doctor thought for a minute then replied, “you’re just too tense.”
Got an email today from someone trying to sell me Mount Everest for $1 million. I told him it was a bit steep.