As Good As You

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, “Your successor won’t be as good as you.” “Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone. “No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been … Read more

The Skills

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10.” The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.” The old lady wanted to know why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave … Read more

Explaining Football

A dad decided to introduce and explain football to his 6-year-old son and took him to his first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, Dad asked his son how he liked the experience. “It was okay, Daddy, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing … Read more

Complaining

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives … Read more

One Liners

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won tonWeight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigramHalf of a large intestine: 1 semicolon1000 aches: 1 kilohurtzBasic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower1 million microphones: 1 megaphone2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds52 cards: 1 decacards3.45 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale … Read more

LAWYER

A man phones a lawyer and asks, “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?”The lawyer replies, “A thousand dollars.”“A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive, isn’t it?”“It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

TAX PAYER

A taxpayer received a strongly-worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. “Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”

Order

Customer on phone: “We need to order some four-by-twos.” Lumber clerk: “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” Customer: “Let me check …” <silence> “… Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.” Clerk: “All right. How long do you need them?” Customer: “I’d better go check …” <silence> “… A long time. We’re gonna build a house.” 

Sandwiches

Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them. The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the businessmen look … Read more

Chair

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam.  He picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.” Pencils flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled; some students wrote over 30 pages. One student finished … Read more