BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. “I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets … Read more

TAPS

During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps: One tap meant, “Kiss me.” Two taps meant “Yes.” Seven taps meant “No.” Ninety-five taps meant “Take out the garbage.”

FARTHER

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. “That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!” “You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those … Read more

OLD AND RICH

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.  The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”  The … Read more

BIG PLANE

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? … Read more

SCISSORS

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?” Me: “Certainly, what width?” Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Um, scissors??”

RUNNING AWAY

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!” The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he said. “Then I’ll come home … Read more

ROGER

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad takes out his cell phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Roger, please?” “No! There’s no one called Roger here.” The person hangs up. “That’s irritation,” says the dad. … Read more

TURKEYS

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said, “Texas.” The teacher said, “That is right, you get an A. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?” A little boy raised his hand and said, “Montana.” The teacher said, “That’s … Read more

WAITING

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?” I replied, “Not at all.” “Good,” he said, “Take these drinks to table nine.”