jokes

My four-year-old son told me that it was his stuffed animal’s birthday today.  Since this was probably the third birthday this animal had in about as many weeks, I commented that she seems to have a lot of birthdays.  He explained, “Well, the older you get, the faster they come!”

A bunch of men were sitting around playing cards.  “I win!” said Harry. Joe threw down his hand, “That’s it! I’ve had it! Harry is cheating!!!” “How can you tell?” Phillip asked. “Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. She’ll be happy to know I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.” I said, “And just where am I going to find 5 people without any problems???”

Debra was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, “How much are these oranges?” “Two for a dollar,” answered the vendor. “How much is just one?” she asked. “Sixty cents,” answered the vendor. “Then I’ll take the other one,” said Debra.

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. “I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets … Read more

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’ canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?” Me: “Certainly, what width?” Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Um, scissors??”