What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
Have you heard about the new form for income tax returns?
It reads: 1)how much money do you earn? 2) send it to us.
Have you heard about the amazing new pasta diet?
It’s so simple… You learn to walk pasta the refrigerator and pasta the cookie jar in pasta the cupboard.
What is a pig’s favorite ballet?
Swine lake
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Floodlights
A wealthy man paid $25,000 for an exotic bird for his mother. He later asked her how did you like the bird…
She responded it was delicious!
What has wheels and flies?
The garbage truck
Why did the army begin drafting babies?
It was trying to build up the infantry.
What numbers are always wandering around?
Romain’ numerals
Why did the tired get fired from its job?
It couldn’t stand the pressure
Why did snoopy quit his job?
He was tired of working for peanuts
What did the math book say to the other books?
I really have a lot of problems
Why wasn’t Cinderella good at sports?
Because she had a pumpkin as a coach.
Did you hear about the young boy in the wedding who growled with his hands in the air all the way down the isle?
He was being the ring Bear.
Why did Mozart sell his chickens?
They kept saying Bach Bach Bach..
What is the rank of a marine dentist?
Drill sergeant
What did Cinderella say while waiting for her photos to be ready?
Someday my prints will come
What happens when a light bulb dresses up in a suit or armor?
It becomes a knight light…
What can’t a woman ask for help from her brother?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her, too.
Where do space explorers leave their spacecraft?
At parking meteors.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.
Why are dolphins more clever than humans?
Within three hours they can train a person to stand beside the pool and feed them fish.
What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
Did you death Vader had a sister?
Ella Vader.
How are a lawyer and escapee prisoner similar?
They both had to pass the bars.
Why was snowwhite elected to the supreme court?
She was the fairest of them all
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away what will an onion do?
Keep everyone away
What can you hold without touching it?
Your breath
What is a boxers favorite drink?
Punch
What kind of tests are dental students good at?
True or floss
What did the meteorology student say about his final exam?
It was a breeze with only a few foggy patches
Which way did the computer programmer go?
He went data way
What did Napoleon become after his 39th birthday?
40 years old
What is cut in spread out on the table but never eaten?
A deck of cards
How do you librarians catch fish?
With bookworms
Knock knock, who’s there
Dewey
Do we have to keep telling these ridiculous jokes?
What kind of BIRD does construction work?
The crane
What dog can jump higher than a tree?
Any dog can jump higher than a tree trees don’t jump
Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere
Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor
What happened to the principal who fell into the copy machine?
She was beside herself
What did one horse say to the other horse?
The pace is familiar but I can’t remember the mane.
What question can you never answer with a yes?
Are you sleeping?
What rap group has four members all of whom are dead one of whom was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant
What are three magic words for school teachers?
June July and August
Why is the law of gravity Untrustworthy?
It will always let you down
How did Betsy Ross judge her work?
She thought it was sew sew