Friendships change as we age. The pool of people we hang around with shrinks. We spend more time at home and life gets busy as we have more on our plates.
During high school and college, we’re forced into spending lots of time with a bunch of people our own age. We’re all doing the same thing. We have something to talk about. We spend eight hours a day together.
Out of the student environment, we slowly realize that we don’t have that balance in our lives. It’s one reason twenty-somethings often flounder for awhile during the transition from student to adult. Adult friendships and socialization are different than childhood and college friendships.
Though we may have a few thousand friends on Facebook, we’re not really wired up to have that many friendships in real life. There isn’t enough bandwidth or time for us to know a ton of people on a personal and true friendship level. Understanding this truth helps us re-engage with those around us, and not be brought down by the fact that some friendships have faded. We can still call a person a friend – even if we only talk once a year since college. But effective adult friendships include the three pillars below.
I’ve been reading about this in an interesting book, The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.
Pillar One: Proximity
Research suggests that in order to become a casual friend, we have to spend 74 hours together. To become a close friend, we have to clock 200 hours together. Lasting friendships require spending time together, which most often means being in close proximity. It’s not that we can’t have a good friend 300 miles away, but distance makes it more difficult to keep growing the friendship.
Our adult friendships are most often with people in our neighborhood, church, or workplace. Friendships tend to fade or change as people switch jobs, move to new communities, or quit being involved in organizations.
Pillar Two: Timing
Timing is about the season of life. Seasons of life change quickly and we often find ourselves involved in friendships with people who have kids the same age, live in the same neighborhood or community, or are around our same age. Having friends who are much older or younger can also be good, but more likely, our friends will be in similar seasons of life.
One great thing about knowing the timing and other pillars is that we don’t have to take it personally when friendship fade. If someone moves to a new state or moves into a new life season, things just may not mesh like they once did. For example, friendships are likely to change when friends get married or become empty nesters. Seasons of life help align friendships.
Pillar Three: Energy
Another word for energy is chemistry. We often click with some people and have great conversations, while we don’t with other people. And we don’t click with the same people forever. For example, we may have had a great time in high school with a group of friends who we haven’t been around since then. We can still recall great memories and be thankful for those friendships, but there comes a time when new people and new friends are in the mix.
In order to have friends, we need to be a friend. It’s not always easy to step out, invite someone to visit, be a friend, listen, call, or plan something. But once we do, we experience energy that keeps us going for a while.
It’s also okay when we find ourselves losing a connection for whatever reason. We don’t have to be best friends with everyone all the time. Understanding this can make us better friends.
Proximity. Timing. Energy. When these three pillars align, we discover that we have options for close friends. Take time to build your adult friendships and feel free to confidently let go of friendships that may not be front and center at this time in your life.
